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killer shrike
Mon Jun 27, 2005 at 02:48:36 pm EDT
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Mr. Epitome # 42
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Mr. Epitome #42


“Insiders/Outsiders”




Previously: Ex-New Battler Laurie “Lisette” Leyton was approached by a representative of the Maverix, a cutting edge, proactive superteam with a laundry list of social causes. One such cause was the unfair imprisonment of an American citizen at Guantanamo Bay. When Lisette broached the subject with Mr. Epitome, the man behind the incarceration, she was informed that if the Lair Legion used their extra-legal abilities to free the prisoner Epitome would dismantle the team.



Carl Bastion was perturbed, and when that occurred everyone was aware of it.

“Epitome said I ain’t an American?! That m*****-f****** piece of s****! I’m more American than that sleazy a****** will ever be!! And when I see that f****** b****** I’m going to get right in his f****** grille and tell him so!!! And then I’m gonna kick the g***** s*** out of him, too!!”

“Mister Trickshot, that is enough! There are ladies present!” Sir Mumphrey Wilton thundered in objection to the bowman’s coarse language.

Hatman waited for someone to add the traditional ”and Lisa” rejoinder, but none in the group of Legionnaires seemed in the mood. He, Tricky, Mumph, Lisa, and Asil were crammed in Sir Mumphrey’s office, reacting to the Lisette’s review of her encounter with Mr. Epitome. She had called the mansion and asked to be summonsed once the Epitome Express airship had landed and its owner had deplaned. Jay sighed.

“I’m disappointed. I tried to give Dominic the benefit of the doubt, but I guess CSFB! was right about him.”

“Don’t forget me! I never wanted that cock-uh…a-doodle here in the first place,” Trickshot groused sullenly.

“So what do we do?” Lisette asked.

“Well, if Epitome thinks he can threaten the Legion into inaction, then the man wasn’t paying attention during his time with us,” Sir Mumphrey replied darkly, “I’ve no use for bullies. None at all.”

“Me neither,” Lisa agreed, “Though it is helpful when one makes implicitly detailed threats.”

She and Mumphrey exchanged glances.

“Hmph,” the eccentric Englishman nodded, “Keen observation, Miss Waltz. Asil, if you would, please see if you can locate the whereabouts of Mr. Bookman? We’re going to need his services.”

*****


It wasn’t a fair fight, Musk Ox decided.

Ever since he had left the refuge of the Low Evolutionary he had sought ways to challenge himself against the human world’s greatest fighters, its “superheroes.” Mr. Epitome had been one such combatant. The pair had engaged in some truly memorable brawls.

But now Epitome was cheating. Apparently he had developed some way to resist Musk Ox’s debilitating pheromones since he was not showing any ill effects from prolonged exposure to the air borne bio-toxin.

And then there was the dog. Whenever Musk Ox managed to score a solid punch on the Paragon of Power (which, given the human’s quicker reflexes, wasn’t often), his damn pet would streak in and harry the mutate, giving Epitome time to recover.

Like now, for instance: Musk Ox had landed a blow to Epitome’s midsection, knocking his enemy back, and was in the process of hefting a Washburn County Light and Power truck with the intention of dashing it down onto his momentarily prone target when the dog made a passing strike at Musk Ox’s knees, clipping him and causing him to lose his balance.

The first time the multi-ton vehicle fell on to the Bovine Behemoth it was only a slight annoyance. But when Epitome hefted it up and smashed it down repeatedly on him the damage began to add up.

Still, Musk Ox managed to shrug off the remains of the truck and charge his attacker. Mr. Epitome feinted to his right and hammered ‘Ox in the kidneys. Glory leapt and seized the villain’s wrist in her powerful jaws and pulled Musk Ox to the ground.

The giant’s superior strength and mass enabled him to shake the Dog Dynamo free, but once again she had performed her role: Epitome fell onto Musk Ox and drove his knees into his solar plexus.

“This time,” Dominic Clancy told the gasping mutate-animal hybrid, “Will be the last time.”

Then the Star Spangled Splendor straddled his chest and started punching. He didn’t stop until Musk Ox’s head was pounded through the asphalt.

“How do you feel?” Epitome asked his partner. He was sure the inoculation he and the Center for Disease Control had developed could resist ‘Ox’s neuro-toxins when airborne, but Glory had most likely ingested some of the pathogens with her bite.

“I am fine. May we please talk about what you said to Lisette now?”

Dominic Clancy nodded and signaled for the OPS Detainment Team to move in so as to have their Haz-Matted suited agents begin the long process of shackling Musk Ox.

“It was very upsetting to hear you talk about disbanding the Lair Legion. They are our friends,” Glory said as she and Epitome supervised the men.

“I’m sorry it upset you,” Dominic told the young Border collie, “and I hope I never have to act on those words. But I must be prepared for such a scenario. If the Legion were to disobey the law in a way that would bring harm to this country, they would need to be stopped.”

“I know, but… they would never do that,” the Pooch of Power argued, “At least, they would not mean to.”

They already have, Epitome thought, but spared his friend the observation. Instead he reached down to scratch Glory’s muzzle, “I have every confidence the Lair Legion will make the right decision in this case, and that no action on my part will be unnecessary.”

And that was mostly true.

*****


“Hey, Quicky, where you want this?” the woman holding the crate of Bautista Enterprises computer innards asked.

Ray Hartmann scowled from his position underneath the Maverix meeting table, “Put it by the terminal banks. I’ll unpack it later.”

Elemento chuckled, “Dude, Quicky?”

The tall woman carrying the heavy shipment of motherboards and CPUs grinned, “That was Ray’s sidekick name.”

“Actually,” Ray completed installing the holographic projector into the table’s centerpiece and stood, “it was Quick Draw. And I think, Poise, we should start getting in the habit in addressing each other by our current code names,” he cast a kindly glance at the petite blonde sitting on a nearby couch, “To get used to them.”

The girl frowned, “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Every time I have to say ‘Elemento’ I get the giggles.”

The multi-hued golem shrugged good-naturedly as he chalked up his pool cue, “Don’t worry about it, Kim- ah, Resound.”

“Indeed. We have other things to worry about,” Jacinth floated up the stairs that led to the training room, “Like the fact we’re behind schedule. Our headquarters isn’t even close to being fully operational.”

Poise put down her crate and once again smirked at the Maverix leader, “Well, if Trust Fund Boy would pry open his wallet and hire some engineers to install the tech, maybe it would be.”

“I’m not made of money,” Ordnance countered, “and I don’t see you contributing to the cause, Amazon School Drop Out.”

Poise laughed and sat on her recliner, “I didn’t drop out; I was expelled.”

“Do we have to fight? It doesn’t seem very heroic,” Resound observed.

“You really need to read more comic books,” Elemento said to her before making a bank shot.

Jacinth willed a purple energy construct to pry open the box of computer components, “Ordnance is right: we’re not helping enough. For the Maverix to be successful we need to be totally committed.”

“I’d help if I could, but things are rough right now. The economy has devastated the entire personal shopping profession.”

“Ah, there are other ways to contribute, Resound,” Jacinth noted.

“I want to know how the recruitment drive is going. Has Goldeneyed returned our calls?” Elemento put down his stick and joined the others at the conference table.

“He’s incommunicado. I did get a call from Lisette, however. She seems to have taken an interest in the Aguillera case, and was going to pursue some leads and get back to us.”

“That’s good news,” Jacinth used her powers to unpack the crate.

Poise scoffed, “Yeah, just what this team needs: more estrogen. Please forgive me, Boss Man, but isn’t the point of the Maverix to operate outside the superhero mainstream? What are we doing head-hunting for Legionnaires or their side kicks?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sidekick,” Elemento quipped.

“Lisette has contacts and skills that could help us if we ever find ourselves in a courtroom, which I expect will be often. Besides,” Ordnance’s voice softened, “She’s been through nine kinds of Hell in her life. She’s been cast out, spat upon, and publicly humiliated. You can’t get more outside than her.”

The mood at the table turned somber. After a few moments Poise realized it became necessary to lighten the mood.

“OK, but getting back to what we were talking about at our last meeting: there’s no way Bai Ling would play me in a Maverix movie. She’s like, five foot nothing.”

“There’s always CGI,” Resound pointed out helpfully, “It’s what they used in Lord of the Rings.”

“I still think Miko Lee would work,” Elemento told Poise.

“That’s because you’re a porn-loving deviant, E.”

Ray Hartmann, aka Quick Draw, aka Quicky, aka Ordnance, listened to the squabble. He could tell Jacinth was not pleased, but the truth was the team needed moments like this; stress relievers to help them make it through the tough times that were sure to come.

*****


A slightly Meta Interlude :

“You can’t do this!” the Forgotten Man struggled against his chains.

Simonides Slaughter, Black Emperor of the Heckfire Club, disagreed, “I’m afraid we can. It is our role, our niche. And you, little man, are a place holder. Redundant. And as such, perfect prey.”

The would-be radical eyed the assembled figures fearfully, “I am none of those things. My purpose is to destroy those in power who keep mankind for realizing its full potential.”

“People like us?” Slaughter chuckled, “You are not helping your case here.”

“Besides, do you really think that’s the reason you were formed?” Anne Salem noted as she stroked the non-descript man’s face with her long, lacquered nails.

“Y- yes. I serve a Higher Power, one that will free the Parodyverse from the yoke of the tyrants!”

“Really? How revolutionary,” Simonides Slaughter’s good-humored mien transformed into something far more predatory, “Enough of this. I hate talking politics during dinner.”

And so the Hero Feeders descended on the Forgotten Man, and devoured him.

*****


Elsewhere, the Higher Power saw this and was well pleased. He reached out, metaphorically, to his newest minion, and willed the next part of the plan to action.

*****


Laurie Leyton shook her head, “I don’t believe this.”

“Sorry, kiddo. I can’t help you,” Lisa repeated her earlier declaration, “The Legion is adopting a “hands off” policy in regards to this Aguillera matter.”

“So you’re just going to let him rot in a cell in Cuba, uncharged?”

The amorous advoctrix leaned back in her chair, “’Fraid so.”

“But why? Did the Librarian find something out about the case?”

“Yep.”

Lisette waited several moments for further explanation. When none was offered she replied, “Well, that’s not good enough.”

“It’s going to have to be. Look, Laurie, I have to admit this was not an easy decision to make, but sometimes, and it galls me to say this, you have to pick your battles.”

“So you are afraid of what Epitome threatened to do?”

Lisa rolled her eyes, “Oh, yeah, we’re terrified.”

But the former New Battler had had her fill of glib responses. Without a word she stood up and left, thinking if the Lair Legion wasn’t going to do something about this injustice, there were others who would.

Next: The Maverix versus the System. Will the Parodyverse’s newest super team be able to undo a gross miscarriage of justice, and bring joy and comfort to anti-establishmentarians everywhere, or will they make matters worse, and wind up getting ground under the heel of a certain Authoritarian Übermensch for their troubles? Place your bets before the next issue, Raising a Ruckus, out soon.

Footnotes:

The Maverix are all new characters, though they may be… familiar to some comic book fans. They’ll get a full Who’s Who treatment next time.

Musk Ox (Bovus 18) is an animal/mutate hybrid bred by eccentric geneticist the Low Evolutionary to possess enormous strength and the ability to generate a powerful strength-sapping pheromone that can affect even Mr. Epitome (q.v). He looks and smells just like his namesake. He has served as a mercenary for such villains as Factor X (q.v) and Count Armageddon (q.v).

Forgotten Man was supposed to be an anti-big government terrorist type that was going to plague Mr. Epitome for a few issues. But I came up with a better idea for this kind of adversary, hence…

The Hero Feeders or Lurkers Behind, are parasites that infest the interdimensional vortex between realities in the Parodyverse, and occasionally break through to prey upon weak narratives, erasing them and the people and events contained in them from reality. In short, they feed on legends and can devour a hero and all memory of them. Some Hero Feeders are mindless instinctive beasts, while others are cunning and subtle. The Hero feeders sometimes creep into the Parodyverse proper, taking on human shapes to indulge in their hedonistic revels. Most recently they have manifested as the Heckfire Club, an exclusive and powerful gentlemans' association in Paradopolis' ritzy Pierce Heights. Inner circle members include Simonides Slaughter, the Black Emperor, Anne Salem, the White Empress, Frederick Scarfe and Professor Hammond Stein. They occasionally harvest heroes from the city they farm. Other Hero Feeders have appeared as transsexual trandimensionals, as gothic vampires, and as galactic estate agents. All modern Hero Feeders are mere shadows of the powerful creatures that once moved through the vortex though. Those terrible beings were spilled out into reality by unwise experiments of the Second Oldest Race, and were only contained by the creation of the Psychostave that Nats once wielded and by a destruction of the Second Oldest Race so complete that even their name is lost.







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